Since my return from France, I’ve been at my parents’ house for 22 days. It seems like a lot, and it feels even longer. What I’ve encountered from a lot of people since I’ve been here is the question “so what’s next?”

I treat this question much in the same way recent grads with no job prospects would–internal eye roll and groan. But I usually just say, ” oh we’ll see” with a sweet smile on my face that is failing at convincing anyone that I know what the hell I am going to do next.

Some people might know I was accepted into grad school–three grad schools I applied to half-ass while in France because I was freaking out about the very same situation I am in now, which is living at home with no prospects. These are all top ten programs, and I applied more as an experiment to see if I would be admitted rather than actually intending to go. Don’t get me wrong, I have a strong desire to go back to school and get  a higher degree for many reasons. The thing is, I’m just a whole lot more skeptical about the value/return on investment of a graduate education, and it’s only contributing to my feelings of hesitation.

Before, I was perfectly OK with throwing down thousands of dollars for a college education because it would be worth it right? The same goes for graduate education, which is even more expensive. I guess now I just realize that if you really want to learn something, you can learn in on your own, on your terms, for much, much less. The issue of course is that you don’t get a certificate at the end of it, and and you don’t meet quite as many friends to bemoan your academic plight with. I still do see the value in higher ed though, because for me grad school is more about reading the right books and  writing a ton (so many!!) of papers. It all comes down to meeting the right people. Everything is always about people, and grad school is no different.

Essentially, I have to come to terms with the fact that I’ll be paying 50k to rub shoulders with influential people in my field with the hope that one day, they know someone who knows someone who might open the floodgates of opportunity for me.

I’m unsure on how to feel about all of this, and this has been my dilemma of late.

I was looking to find a summer job in Miami and figure out my life from there. I submitted applications my first week but didn’t hear back from anyone. I started crawling job boards and buying into the mindless numbers game resume culture. When i re-realized that didn’t work, I started targeting my search by checking my alma mater’s career site.There I half-heartedly submitted a last-ditch effort application, complete with essay questions….and I got it!

There seems to be a pattern here, when being half-ass pays off. I don’t want to get used to that though–it’s dangerous.

Granted, the summer job runs only from Mid-June to July and leaves me hanging throughout August and into September. I contemplated just moving back to Tallahassee and working at the university for a year, before saving up and then going back to school.

I have two choices:

1.Work for a year, save, then return to school

2. Head straight to school, graduate in a year, rack up 50k in debt

I have made a decision, and the decision is this: I decide not to decide right now.